it didn't end there... {a myspace original}

So you read part one...

Part two followed thursday night..................................

i was awoken to two bed stealers at about 3:30am on thursday... one on each side.  I had a kid sandwich thing going on....  I couldn't sleep, because even though they are small.  They like to take up a big part of the bed.  So about 4 am, I got out to find a home on the couch.

I slept til morning, about 7:20 to be exact.  When I heard Soren's high pitched yell from upstairs.

MOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMM, maaaaaaaaaaammmm!!

FYI, ignoring a scream in retrospect.... never a good idea!

I ignore for a bit more, until finally i yell back, "whaaaaaaaaaaat?"

Soren comes down and whines.....  "my clothes are wettttttt..."

that sinking feeling hits me like a ton of bricks. 

wet.

that can only mean one thing.

my bed.  my poooooooor bed.

christened by a 3 year old.

I pull out mommy lingo...

"why didn't you get up and go to the bathroom?"

the response, "its scawwy up there"  the upstairs bathroom infact, is NOT scary.  He was just too lazy to get out of bed and use it.

So I head upstairs for damage control.

I spot the wet spot.  *and not a "FUN" wet spot*  strip the bed of its sheets, turn the fan on high....

i'm sure you can imagine the rest.

So moral of the story:

if at 3 am you are awoke by the pitterpatter of little feet.  kick their a$$es back to their own beds!!  :)

poop, poop, poop, poopadoop... oh, its shoop... {a myspace original}

so this is short.  its funny, but short.

you know, i have a husband, right?

well that "said" husband gets a yearly golf trip up north.  and undoubtedly, something ALWAYS happens to me during this time...  basement/backyard flood, and other fiascoes of the like.

so far, this year........smOOth sailing.

a little hitch last night, when my 3 year old decided to dance around while playing wii....  even with my screams of "encouragement" to get his little a$$ into the bathroom to go peepee... (i didn't say a$$, just thought it)

he "claimed" that he didn't have to go.  I don't know if becoming a mother who's potty trained children makes you able to smell pee and poop like killer bees can smell fear... but even with all of his denial.  I knew.  Yes..... I knew.

got them ready for bed.  fought back and forth for them to not sleep on the floor in a pile of toys, to get out of braden's bed and into your own beds, to stop fighting over toys and go to sleep.....  and then the scream......

MOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!

"Soren peed on the floor!!"

i walk into the room with him standing with one leg on the second rung of the ladder, the other dangling, the first step christened like a ship on its maiden voyage, and the puddle.
oh yes... there was a puddle.

Then the mom came out............"WHYYYYYYYYYYY DIDN'T YOU GO TO THE BATHROOM?  YOU ARE A BIG BOY NOW!  YOU KNOW WHEN YOU HAVE TO GO POTTY!  I TOLD YOU TO GOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

so i have to find some kind of towel to sop this up.  why it never hit me to use the "shamwow" that i got brian as a joke for christmas.......   that's my new infomercial.

"are you gettin this camera guy?  even pee dropped from two rungs up a ladder is picked up in a flash with the shamwow!!"

i'm not sure vince will be so quick to leave his hooker abuse to come and do an infomercial in front of my kids bunkbeds.

so i got him new underwear, new pjs... cleaned up the mess, mumbled "sweet nothings" under my breath, and told them to go to sleep....

i finish out today, smooth again. 

go to wash my poison ivy.. (yes, i know-- what else should i have to deal with this week alone?) with fels-naptha soap... some ancient thing that i had never heard of, but appearantly dries up poison ivy.  hang up the washcloth in the tub, and move the curtain back to hang up a towel when i'm suprised with the motherload.

kitty litter..........  only it ain't litter.  it's whats supposed to be IN the litter, hidden by my shower curtain.

FABULOUS. 

so i get to be mommy-with-wadded-up-toilet-paper-pooper-scooper tonight.....  straight into the toilet.  apparently the basement door musta been shit, uh...i mean shut, so the cat couldnt get go the litter box to do his bizznizz....

i'm serious when i say.......

if there is one more pee and/or poop incident in this house this week.....................




you'll probably get another blog, i mean... what can i do?  call cps on myself so i have no kids til brian gets home???? 

hmmm....  ;)

and ok, maybe it wasn't so short.  sue me!

father's day/cat shit fever..... {a myspace original}

Ok, so this is a two parter...

Part 1:

Have you ever seen the brady bunch episode with the tiki?  the one in hawaii?  if not, either have i.  but we were watching scrubs a few weeks back, and they were at the janitors wedding, and the tiki made its appearance there, and brian had to explain it to me. 

So, because he thought it was so hilarious.... i searched ebay.  ta da!!!  an idol necklace similar to the one in scrubs.

fast forward to father's day... i have the boy's give daddy his "surprise".  Soren colored and ripped a coloring book page for him, and braden handed him the tiki idol necklace.  Daddy was 1/2 awake, so it took a minute for it to register with him.   Then he started laughing....

and made the sound......"woeoeoewwww" 

i adjust it, so he can fit it over his melon... and the necklace is on.

If you don't know, apparently it brings bad luck.  (see below)

a few minutes after he has it on, and makes some wisecrack that i can't recall right now, braden falls down.  "see!" says brian.

"woeoeoeoewwwww"

the day progresses, we get brian white castle for lunch (ew) and move on to brian's mom and dad's house where we will be spending the day, and brian will install their new ceiling fan...............

so, nothing major, like the ceiling falling out over brian's head, or electrocution take place.  But the fan didnt work after the initial install, so brian had to take it down, and try again. 

"woeoeoeoewwwww"

They came to find out that the remote that they purchased didn't work. 

"woeoeoeoewwwww"

So, brian tells me that in that episode of the brady bunch, they had to take the tiki back to some cave where it came from for the bad luck to stop. 

I comment to him, that I did indeed buy it (off ebay) in hawaii, and if he wanted to take it back, he'd probably have to swim in the ocean, since it was made out of fish bone.

Part 2:

I wake up this morning, to notice it laying on my shelf in the kitchen....  we go about our day as usual, hit the grocery store with no problems, have lunch.....

then i hear the cat meowing.  I don't think anything of it, because if you know nero, he's a vocal cat.  He's standing outside the open gate, looking in the living room.  after a few minutes, i get up to look for kellyn, and find her in the bathroom, right next to the bath mat.......

or should i say the new litter box.

a nice big juicy turd sittin there.  at first my thought was, "SOREN!"  but he had been by me, and i smelled nothing from him that whole time... i get closer to see her foot smashed in a secondary land mine....new cute white sandals with a cake of digested cat food stuck to the bottom..... EW, AND HER BIG TOE!!! 

So here i am, a fresh load of oxyclean laundry going with our bathroom rugs in it thinking.......

"woeoeoeoewwwww"

I just might take it back to hawaii myself... but i'm sure something bad like a plane crash would occur...

"woeoeoeoewwwww"


~d

*what is it with me and vile excrement of some kind??*

the blog you've all been waiting for... {a myspace original}

Ok, so this blog is documenting events that actually took place the monday before christmas.... 
Cast:
Soren- 2.5 year old troublemaker that knows how to rub his daddy the wrong way.
Daddy- played by Brian, 41 year old Mr. Mom.
Braden- 4.5 year old non-essential character.
Kellyn- 8 month old sister that keeps dad on his toes today.
Mommy- played by 29 year old Darcy; mainly offstage.

Act 1-
Mommy gets up, showers and goes to work and leaves the boys and kellyn at home to get ready for their upcoming trip to Minnesota.
Daddy deals with the kids while trying to get ready for the trip.
Kids eat breakfast....
Soren- (takes box of cereal and hides in his room)
Daddy- Soren, where are you?  (opens door to room)  What the F*CK are you doing with the cereal? 
(Cereal smashed all over the floor, Soren hides behind door)

Act 2
Daddy runs upstairs to get some clothes to pack.
(Soren, in the kitchen, realizes that there is left-over Halloween candy on top of the fridge.)
Soren- Hmmm... (then sees carseat on the floor, and a box that is going out to the trash.  Commence building the oh-so-safe carseat ladder to the top of the fridge)
(Daddy is heard coming down the steps.)
Daddy- what the hell is wrong with you kid?  Are you trying to break your neck?

Act 3
(Daddy is now down stairs, so Soren heads upstairs)
(Soren, in Kellyn's room, decides that there is something he HAS to have on top of her dresser.  So he opens up the top drawer, climbs on top of the toy box, and into the top drawer)
Daddy- Soren, what are you doing in there?  Get OUT OF THE DRAWER!
(daddy snatches him out just before he takes his step up on to the dresser top.)
Daddy- Get down stairs and be good before I hurt you.

Act 4
Soren- (plays in the living room, until he hears the clock chimes....)  (in his head)  I wonder if I take that swinging thing off, if the clock will still work?
(soren climbs on the back of the couch to open the door to the pendulum.  He proceeds to bend and twist it off)
Daddy- (comes into the room to check on the kids) Seriously, do you have a death wish.  *his blood pressure is now through the roof.*  (Spanks soren, and puts him in his room)

Act 5
Daddy- (just finishing up changing kellyn's diaper, puts the wipes away and the desitin back inside the container.)  There ya go Kellyn, all better.
(he leaves the room)
Soren-  (I like to paint, opens up the container and proceeds to squeeze some out onto his hand like bob ross putting paint on a palette) 
Soren- (in his head) We need some here......and on the wall... ooh, a hole.  I wonder if this will work like spackle?  oh, the tile by the fireplace will look cool white, and these toys have boo-boos, lets give them some boo-boo stuff.  mommy's radio, the carpet oh crap!  daddy's coming!  (he hides the evidence by smearing his hand on braden's comforter which has made it into the living room.)
Daddy- THAT'S IT KID!  YOU ARE GOING TO BED.........  (expletives come flying out of his mouth as he carries a screaming kid off to bed)
**ring ring**  **ring ring**
Daddy- HELLO!
Mommy- Hi, hows----
Daddy- when are you coming home? (basically 2 decibels short of yelling)
Mommy- um....  whhy?
Daddy- because I almost killed your son, he's lucky to be alive today, we aren't going to F*CKING MINNESOTA.  I'm so done!
Mommy- *speechless*   okaaaaaayyyy......
Daddy- Soren smashed f'n cereal all over the floor, broke the clock, fingerpainted with desitin all over the living room!!!
Mommy- *trying not to laugh*  Ok, if you need to leave for a few when i get there, thats fine.  I'll clean it up when i get home.  Just relax.
Daddy- Just get home.
Mommy- ok. 
click.

Act 6
Mommy arrives home from work.  walks through the kitchen, glances into the bedroom where her son is sleeping in his top bunk at 6:30pm.  Continuing onto the living room.....
Mommy- wow.  what a masterpiece.  this kid has some jackson polluck in him. 
(mommy then cleans up the mess, takes a picture on her cell phone, and sends it to her brother in mn.  blackmail is a good thing)
~d