Fog

Monday.

Nothing profound happened today, which to me, is a good thing.  Last night I had broken sleep, dragged myself up at 5:30am and trudged through my first day back to work.  

The kids helped my attitude.  I was foggy and found myself "short" inside my head, but not outwardly toward them.  I was basically on autopilot through the heavy clouds.  Today I didn't know what to expect.  

Would I be ok?  

Would I make eye contact with someone and start to cry?

Would I even make it through the day?  

I was ok.

I made eye contact, and didn't cry.

I made it though the day.

This helped:

And all 5 hugs I got today from some of my little people helped.

Hearing kind words from co-workers helped.

Sympathy from others who have been where I am helped.

My dad texting me that he found my mom's engagement ring helped.

The gift of Bailey's helped.  😜

The Mexican dinner delivered to us tonight helped.

I'm thankful for the help.

Eighteen Years

I'm sitting here blank.  Foggy.  Like my heart lost its spark.  I know it's all temporary, it will gradually come back, my tears will fade, and more smiles will come in their place. 

No one is expected to grieve in 11 days.  My mind wants me to do things like clean up the house after being gone, get out the holiday stuff, but right now I can't make the moves to do it. 

I've grieved before. 

But never for my Mother.

I've lost friends.  Julie, Jen, Randy, to name a few.  Those losses were different.  I was sad.  Sad for their families, sad to think I'd never talk to them again, that we'd never eat cold food on breaks at work, watch our kids play together at the play ground or watch another Irish football game together.  Sad for all of the things they'd miss out on seeing with their own families. Sad. 

This isn't sadness.

This is more.

Now that the funeral preparation is done, the viewing is over, the sitting in the front row, staring at a closed casket has been moved from reality to a too recent memory...  I weep.

That chapter has closed.  The painful writing of the one to come has begun.  I'm unsure how long it will be.  Not wanting to write it. Wanting to wave the magical wand that we all wish we had, and fix it all.  

But that's not reality.

I'm in reality.

And it sucks.

So many things that I wish I could change.  So many hardships that were unspoken over so many years.  We all have a road to travel.  Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it's hard.  But we push on.  We pushed on.  We pushed on for 18 more years.  Eighteen years.  I'm glad to have had all of them.  But it wasn't enough.

Heartbreak

WOW!  Can you believe it??  I have not blogged since last October.  A lot has happened, but we won't do a recap show tonight.  


I just had my first daughter-caused {heartbreak}....  


She's so stubborn, won't go to bed, insisted on a book even after *I INSISTED* she march her booty up to bed.  Partially cuz the boys were asleep already, partially because she was using her binoculars like a mid evil weapon, flinging them all over the house.  


She pouted and made a reeedonkulous fake cry, and stomped up stairs.  


I continued to {eat} relax when just a mere minute later she was back down in the dining room with her eyes all red, face all pouty carrying her magna doodle.  She just looked at me with those eyes, and then turned it around and put it on the dining room chair next to me.....


{crush}  <------That was the sound of my heart.


She just looked at me.  


I looked down to see what she had drawn......


basically a 4 year old's rendition of a heart with a big "X" through it.


=(  


And my eyes teared up, and my heart sank.  I know I'm the mom, and I really was right in sending her up to bed for the 19bajillionth time tonight, but I was never expecting her to take my {loving} demands to {broken?} heart.


I know this is only the first of many times I'll have to face her saying she hates me, doesn't love me, that I'm the worst mom in the world, etc. 


But she's FOUR.


Already?  


I grabbed her up, hugged and kissed her til she stopped sobbing....  She wouldn't even answer me when I asked, "Do you not love me anymore?"


She finally settled down, I told her a "mermaid" story, and she hopped down to draw me something new...


This is what she drew.

UGH, the little girl is too sweet for words, and I love her to the moon and back.  


Trials and Tribulations.... Trials and Tribulations!!


Momma's don't let your babies grow up to be teenagers.


=)


~d

even after today....

10/2/2011

The morn after my coffee maker bit the dust was tough.

It morphed into a day where my energy drained, and by 2pm the head cold I've been {blessed} with has banished me to bed.

Hours later, I'm in the recliner reflecting.  The boys are carrying on with their nightly routine of arguing, getting in and out of bed, picking on each other, and yelling for me... 

Even after today's lack-luster day I have {not-so} silly things to reflect on.

The hugs I got from my husband, the "good mornings" from the kids as I slowly got out of bed this morning, the black coffee my husband stopped to get for me well into the afternoon, the silly "mistake" Kellyn spouted off earlier this afternoon when I showed my face downstairs after a prolonged time in bed.  She was helping daddy and Soren build a K'nex set....

"mom, we're having chipmunks."  matter of factly.  I couldn't muffle my giggles, because I knew she meant to say "chex mix". 

The pure joy in my babies' faces, their giggles, laughter and love. 

I have been blessed with a wonderful family, who loves me no matter how bad my bed head looks, how congested I am, how rudolph-y my nose looks. 

They are {usually} considerate, caring and loving. 

Even those moments where I feel like they've pushed me to the edge of sanity are quickly forgotten when one of them does something as simple as singing a silly little song or wrapping their arms around me in a pint-sized hug.

The things that so many parents take for granted stay fresh in my mind.  Those little fleeting moments that disappear in the blink of an eye.  I am glad that I don't take these things for granted.  {Yes, today the sappiness is running deep.  Call it the cold meds, sleepiness, or just honesty.} 

Soon the days of hugs and kisses will be replaced with {more} attitude, and eye rolls.  I am NOT looking forward to that.  I love now.  Where's the "pause" button?

I guess I'll just have to keep reminding myself that parenthood is one of the most important jobs a person can have.  Full of long hours, stress and headaches.  The payment isn't monetary, but it will make you rich.

~d

I think I found my own little cyber heaven...

2 weeks ago, my friend Stacy reluctantly told me about the website, "pinterest.com".  And when I say, "reluctantly" I mean it.  Not for any negative reason, but because she knows how I am with facebook, and that I really didn't need another "time suck" to add to my day.

She gave me a basic idea of what the site is about, and then said she would send me an invite.....
Today I text her saying I never got it, and she sends me a new invite.

Ohhhhh boy.

Talk about making your own little dream world. Virtual bulletin boards of what you love, want to try, places you have traveled....  The possibilities are endless.

You can make it a "place" that is uniquely YOU.

So, since I'm still learning the ropes, I don't have much more info about it.  But if you are looking for a new place to go when facebook is slow, let me know and I'll send you an invite.

Find me under darcy_earle

Have fun!! 
~d

Small town hospitals......{suck}

So you know I'm a small town girl.  Born, raised, loved, lived.....left. {miss it like crazy}

One thing about small(ish) towns that I don't miss is their hospitals.

rewind 11ish years.....  my mom was misdiagnosed for YEARS as having low iron, depression, migraines, etc...  by TWO different small town hospitals {a few years apart}.

eeeeeehhhhhhhhhhh........wrong answer!

Brain tumor.  In fact, pretty sure she's in the journal of medicine for having one of the biggest brain tumors recorded, and surviving it. 

HOW DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING THE SIZE OF A GRAPEFRUIT INSIDE YOUR SKULL, COMPRESSING YOUR BRAIN AND SURVIVE? 

better question is, HOW DOES NO ONE SCAN LOOK FOR IT WITH ALL OF HER SYMPTOMS?

not sure, but she did survive.

fast-forward back to now.....

my dad calls me to say that he has a kidney stone, and has to go in today for a ultra sound to see if he will be able to pass it.  supposedly, its the size of a pencil eraser...  {ouch!}

today he calls me and says that he's on his way to the hospital for a "quick check" because they think he has a hole in his intestine, full of infection and needs to be operated on.  he wants to go to st. mary's in rochester, minnesota.  {hello, mayo clinic!!} 

needless to say i am a wreck.

after being seen there in rochester, they tell him that either he didn't have a kidney stone, or he passed it.  and infact, he doesn't have a hole in his intestine, he has a mild case of appendicitis, and they can treat it w/o surgery....

S.E.R.I.O.U.S.L.Y?!??!?!?!?

had he stayed there, he probably woulda been cut open!  i can't believe it.  {or can i?}  how freakin scary! 

today has been another crazy ass roller coaster, and i'm over the craziness.  i'm gonna look for an exorcist to come in and shoo away all the crazies.  maybe it can let m have a relatively tame, drama free life. 

but before i do that, i need to go buy some cracker jacks.... 

I've always wanted to be a doctor, and since it seems like all you need to work in a small town hospital, is a paper saying you're a doctor, what do i have to lose??????? 

 maybe i'll get the "doctor's certificate" prize in the next box I buy. 

LOL

There are never too many hugs...

Yet again today I hear another story of child abuse thru a facebook friend.  What happened to hugs?   Don't get me wrong, kids are challenging...  but won't they better react to love than punches?  
How can you even sit there and beat your kid?  Its something I can't fathom.   Yet people do.  I'm not against a good spank once in a while, but time-out works for us, so that's few and far between.  But full blown bruising, black eyes, bloody noses?  C'mon....
I'm sick about it. 
Don't you feel better when you get a hug?  I know I do.
Pretty sure it sucks to get your a$$ beat as an adult,  (I don't know, thank goodness!) imagine being a kid!
Hug those babies.
Pretty sure no one will report you for "hugging your kids too much."
Hug them right now, please.